Calling all tape heads.....

If you love old videos then chances are you'd love a book all about the glory days of VHS!

So please spare a moment to read this and using the power of social networking to hit the 'Like' button and give a bit of hope to book starved VHS fans every where!

Gawd bless!

Amy x

Shiny, Shiny pants of metal.

The Warrior and the Sorceress - 1984

Danish Release

aka

Kaine le mercenaire, Kain del planeta oscura

Without making too many bad taste David Carradine jokes, I will try and figure out what the heck is going on with this sleeve.

The metal undies and gimp harness?

The woman with two pairs of tits?

The very phallic snake/dragon?

The worryingly placed nipples?

And the bulging sparkly knickers?!?!?!?!

WHY?

DEAR GOD WHY OH WHY?

Despite looking like a really bad, homoerotic, heavy metal album cover, it's still kind of cool.

Altho the well tanned, oily thunder thighs really don't do David any favours.

IMDb / DVD

Big Thanks to The Danish Ex-rental VHS Appreciation Group (DEVAG) for the scan.

The (oh so very) Lame

The Game - 1984

UK Release

aka

The Cold

Plot based on a classic,superior film: check.

Budget DVD release: check.

Made in the 1980s: check.

Poor rating and reviews on IMDb: check.

God awful artwork with barely any relation to film: CHECK!

Here with have The Game (aka House on Haunted Hill remake no.947), a film so bad it it's been rated a mere 3.0 out of 10 on IMDb. So you can't polish a turd, but whoever did this artwork obviously wasn't even going to try.

Ok, so I haven't watched it myself and maybe the film it's self isn't that awful, but this sleeve is making me want to take a hammer to the tape, not pop it in the VCR and sit back and enjoy.

To quote some of the reviews:

"The characters are some of the worst actors ever to be put on film"

"Production values and acting are without question of a pornographic movie standard"

"Most scenes are merely an excuse to focus the camera on various female body parts including an opening dance number that is a crossover of American Bandstand meets geriatric aerobics complete with hookers.  If there was any hesitation that white people can't dance this scene hammers the final nail in that coffin."

Going by the reviews I read you'd think this film would trade off it's "sex appeal", bit of tit on the sleeve, make it look sexy!

I'm not sure what to make of any of the motley crew on the cover. Wishy-washy skeleton/puff of smoke man with a bat's face is odd but not exactly shit-yer-pants scary nor are the smug threesome with their chin operated puppet people! If anyone could explain to me why on earth the artist didn't just put some hands in over having the strings look like they're attached at the jaw, then please do!

Still Nice to see David Schwimmer was getting work as an artist's model before he found fame in Friends.

I also felt the need to draw attention to shockingly bad DVD artwork.

One word: SPUNKY!

IMDb / DVD

Thanks to Gavin for the scan.

Not dead....but not online either.

Still very much without internet access, so sadly no blog for a while longer....but I do have the urge to make eveyrone go and purchase this film...

 It's very bloody good.



(Image borrowed from here....I'm using a very restricted computer that won't even let me save images off the web....bah!)

A (slightly) belated New Year

HAPPPPPPPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Fingers crossed the blog will be back in the next few months with more terrible sleeves for you all to marvel over.

(Also a very belated Merry Christmas to everyone!)

Woe is me.....

Hello my lovelies.

More doom and gloom from me, so not only has my computer with all my files on gone KA-BOOM and broken, I'm also currently "between homes".....Trying to find a new Crap Video Artwork HQ. But fingers crossed it'll all be over soon and I can get back to doing what I love most, posting crap on here!

As ever thank you to everyone who reads the blog, has spent the time scanning me sleeves, supported me from the start and the lovely peeps on the Facebook page. I owe you all a very large drink.

Down, but not out!

At least they put a dog in the front of this one (see here for a previous entry regarding a truly awful bit of artwork for said film)

Thanks to Steve Hughes for posting the scan on the FB page.

FUCK I'M FAMOUS

THE BLOG GOT PRESS COVERAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE OMG!

Found out today that the lovely blog was featured in The Gurdian newspaper's saturday TV Guide. Check out the internet page and the blog roll down the side, both Crap Video Artwork and CultVHS get a mention.
I'm a very pleased and shocked and really annoyed that due to technology failing me I can't post up a shit sleeve to celebrate, but soon I'll get the scan up.....thank you to whoever edits that page in the newspaper...and thanks to everyone who has supported the blog from the start......FUCKING HELL!

If there is a god....he's a right bastard!

They say it never rains as much as it pours and after last weeks facebook drama my computer died on me.....typical.

Thankfully most of my sleeve scans were backed up and only a few lost, so as soon as I get back online I'll start posting again, until then, keep the faith and keep watching crap horror films with even worse sleeves!

xxx

I'm not a happy bunny

Due to Facebook being mindless, humourless, arseholes of the highest order my account has temporarily been disabled, which in turn means the blog's Facebook page has all but bloody vanished....

Obviously the blog was alive before it went on facebook and it's no excuse for the lack of up-dates beyond the fact all my spare time has been spent e-mailing the sods or seething with rage.

Hopefully normality can be restored and all the fans on the facebook page aren't gone and I can get the old blog back on track.

To all keep you going until I can sit down and sort out a nice proper crap entry, here's a little something for you....

Check out these heavy metal dreamboats.

Thanks to Paul Higson for the scan.


edit: It's all back and running in order, there must be a god. :D

And the winner is.....

Death Trap canvas winner is....

Entry number 6 

Per!!!!

Congratulations!

And thanks to everyone who entered!

COMPETITION TIME!

COMPETITION!

WIN THIS GORGEOUS CANVAS

This lovely printed 30cm X 40cm canvas taken from the original Vipco UK Pre-cert video sleeve for Tobe Hooper's Death Trap is up for grabs!

How to win it:

All you have to do is leave a comment on this post with your name and a valid e-mail address.

The competition will run until 8pm (UK time) on the 31st of August

Every person who leaves a comment will be assigned a number and once the competition has ended a number will be picked at random and that number will win this lovely work of art.

You can get a double entry(you'll be assigned two numbers, thus doubling your chances) by posting a link to the competition or your blog or a public forum(As long as I can see the post/thread without having to join the forums it's valid). Please leave a link to the blog/forum post when you leave your entry comment.

Rules:

Bar the double entry thing you are allowed to enter the competition only once.

Anyone can enter, you don't need to be a member of Blogger or anything like that.

If you're found to be cheating/trying to enter more than once, you will be out of the game and a new number/winner picked.

Spread the word about my wonderful blog/competition or I won't love you any more.

And good luck!

Massive thanks go out to Daz over at the Pre-cert.co.uk forums for the canvas, make sure you check out the forums and keep your eyes peeled for Daz's up coming canvas lottery.

The winner will be announced on the blog and e-mailed, so don't forget to leave your e-mail address when entering.

LOTS OF LOVE

Amy x

Thanks to everyone who's helped me out with the blog and everyone else for taking the time to listen to me rant about bad art.

Pubic Lice.

Satan's Altar - 1981

UK Release

Aka

Murder Syndrome, Follia omicida, The Wailing

Beautiful isn't it? It looks like a mirkin(pubic wig) to put politely or to be honest and ever so crude, it looks like a big massive hairy lady garden. With a face and teeth and horns. It's basically a big pubic hair monster that has the face of an evil baboon. 

IMDb / DVD
 

Once again thanks to George for the sleeve.

Dripping wet pussy

La noche de los mil gatos - 1972

Mexican Release

AKA

Night Of A 1000 Cats

Wet dripping pussy jokes aside, this has to be one of the most bizarre sleeves I've seen.

Blood dripping with a cat's face and a helicopter and the proverbial frightened woman.

 I'm not sure this is crap as much as it's just plain weird and out there. 

All in all a very "special" bit of artwork.

IMDb / DVD

(For all my fellow Brits this one can be had for a mere £3 via the above link, with a cover this weird it's gotta be worth a punt)

Massive thanks to George/Karamurat for the sleeve. More to follow from George's awesome Mexican tape collection.

Also would like to say thank you to the lovely comments and  fan mail I've received recently. The fact that other people enjoy me writing silly stuff about even sillier sleeves makes this all worth while. Thank you for the kind words and support.

- Amy x

Rotten to the core...

 

Hardcore - 1977

UK Release

Sex sells, right? Fiona Richmond sold sex, the whole premise of a porn film is to sell sex to the male masses..etc 

So then why when marketing a sex film with Fiona Richmond, called Hardcore, would you make the women on the cover LOOK SO BLOODY UGLY!?!?!?! ARE YOU A STUPID PERSON MR SLEEVE DESIGNER? 

And the tits could have been bigger, not that I'm any sort of porn packaging expert but pretty ladies with massive tits are surely a good selling point? Not 3 ugly dogs and a sweaty apple core.....Yeah that bit of top notch humour/word play didn't go unnoticed..get it, apple core and hardcore....for fucksake..

IMDb / DVD

Thanks to Scotty for the scan.

Crap poster artwork special - Part 2: Thailand

I love Thai posters just because they are so gaudy and loud and utterly crap. Here's a few choice posters for your visual displeasure.

Unknown film

2 words: Crochet & nightmare.

Crocodile Evil (???)

We've had a woman having sex with a cockroach and now we have one getting felt up by a crocodile...

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - 1987

IMDb / DVD

This, frankly, scares the fucking crap out of me!

Erotic Hong Kong (????)

 If Elton John was a woman and from Hong Kong..well I'd put money on him looking like the lady in the poster.

For the Love of Benji - 1977

IMDb / DVD

It has 2 cutesy dogs and a pink love heart with the words "I feel love" in it. WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Looking at this poster makes me do a little sick in my mouth, it's horrible!

Huafu The Luck Man (????)

More naked child weirdness. Why is he playing with his winky?

King Kong (????)

Proof that dinosaurs can make any film look a million times more cool(shit).

Krai Thong (2?) - 2001

IMDb

Half man, half crocodile - all man raping weirdness!

ENJOY!

Credits/disclaimer: Thanks to Cees for the disc. Sadly I am unable to locate the original owners of each poster and credit them personally. The contents of the discs were compiled from various online sources unknown to me.

Fire starter

All God's Children - 1980

UK Release - 1983

 

This is either really good anti-smoking propanganda or that smug bastard with the pipe set fire to the bus. Either way this sleeve clearly tells you that smoking a pipe will clearly lead to race wars and buses catching fire. 

And they may well all be god's children, but where is your god now, when the bus is on fire!?!?!?

IMDb

Thanks to Scotty for the sleeve.

(Will be continuing with the shit posters soon, just been suffering some epic computer fail this week.)

Crap poster artwork special - Part 1: Spain

Ok they're not video sleeves, but many video sleeve artwork came from posters and today I received two CD-Rs packed full of glorious and often highly dodgy posters from around the globe. So here we have part 1 in my dodgy poster special, kicking off with Spanish posters.

El rayo desintegrador - 1966 - IMDb

 I'll never be able to watch The Wizard of Oz again.
(Edit: Best comment ever re-this sleeve:

‎'El rayo desintegrador' - that's one happy robot and one buggered kid.)

 El Caminante - 1979 - IMDb

A complete load of arse.

Las aventuras de Enrique y Ana - 1981 - IMDb

 This is the campest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Animales racionales - 1983 - IMDb

aka: Human Animals

Tree hugging hippies!

El E.T.E. y el Oto - 1983 - IMDb

Plain weird.

Credits: Thanks to Cees for the disc. Sadly I am unable to locate the original owners of each poster and credit them personally. The contents of the discs were compiled from various online sources unknown to me.

Ramming it down your throat

Rambox - 1988

Greek Release

Aka:

Ramb-ooh: The Sex Platoons

Where do I start? The naked woman only has one tit and one of her upper arms is worryingly short. The other woman in the background is prancing around mid air in a fucking war zone! She might have both her tits but ones vastly bigger than the other.

Considering this is for a Rambo porno spoof, it's really not sexy.

Also, happy belated birthday to Sly Stallone, who turned 64 on July 6.(

This sleeve and many more wonderful sleeves can be found on Raro VHS

(Fore)-Heading for disaster

Tycoon - 1947

UK Release - 1983

I never knew John Wayne had down syndrome. There's only one word to describe that forehead: EPIC!

Thanks to George for the sleeve.

IMDb / DVD

Sex on 6 legs

El Nido - 1988

South American (Argentina) release

aka:

The Nest

How bloody wrong and horrible is this? Look at it, it's the stuff of nightmares. I'm beyond visually offended. This sleeve makes me feel dirty, my skin is crawling!

I mean who'd wear such awful high leg knickers/panties/lady's special things..... Yuck!

(Can anyone confirm if this does indeed happen in the film? The whole sex with a great big cockroach whilst wearing bad 80s underwear?)

Thank you kindly to RaroVHS for letting me use the sleeve.

IMDb / DVD